Have you been there – wanting a certain person to like and accept you?
And if you weren´t sure, if you were rejected, uncertain of their approval or them liking you, you found yourself judging the other person a little … just in case (as if this would make it any better, that you disliked them also)?
I caught myself this week, doing exactly that.
I was yearning to reconnect with a former friend and address some dynamics between us, that weren´t helpful nor pleasing to none of us. With the intention to upgrade our friendship and actually deepening it through this conflict. But I realized, my opposite had no interest in working this out. So I decided, not to ask for a conversation as it always takes two really committed people to do so.
My physical and emotional reaction to the situation was that I felt really uncomfortable – I have to add, I had to see that person every day for some weeks. Tensions in my solar plexus, pressure on the shoulders, as well as a slight feeling of shame given the fact that there were so many unspoken words.
Additionally, I found myself judging my friend for closing down, with a sense of relief as it made my friend not such a nice person and easier to let go of (this I realized much later).
Inquiring further, I saw a deeper truth:
That I myself was closing down more and more. Loaded with unpleasant thoughts and feelings.
Creating this whole story about future friendships and what to pay attention to, aka dynamics to avoid and so on.
And I think, sooner or later everyone experiences a similar scenario. Which in fact, really is a turning point, a crossing, a moment when a decision is being made. It is, what we oftentimes forget or oversee, that there is free will at play. Either follow a default choice or consider anew, make a new choice, change patterns consciously.
No matter what the story is – the things that happened or didn´t happen – the only real question is:
Do I open up to the possibility of love, surrendering to the present feelings or do I resist them and choose fear instead?
And I decided that I wanted to show up in the world fully open and responsible for my feelings. Which in a way isn´t possible, if I am believing that this person carries the power to make me feel ashamed, sad or whatever I feel. Because then inner peace and harmony will be always fragile, dependent on my outer world.
If your choice should be the same, then there is the question of how to release the judgements and feelings that come along with that. Good news: Step 1 is already accomplished
Realizing what is really going on, making the choice for love and simply being with those feelings.
Step 2 is feeling it fully. Being curious, where in the body you feel which sensations. For example experiencing a sensation of heat, pulsations and contractions – rather than just naming it anger. Also realizing, if there is a previous event that made you feel similarly. If there is – and please give this insight some time to arise, then you can maybe distract what you felt then from now.
Step 3: Creating a different inner dialogue. I used sentences along that line:
“I ask for guidance in this situation to find acceptance, to be able to feel and dis-identify from these (unpleasant) feelings and free myself from any illusion.
I choose to see the highest truth, release my past and shift my perspective. I invite new insights and understanding. I admit that there might be more ways to perceive the current situation that are right now beyond my reach.
I choose to replace fearful thoughts through loving ones. I take responsibility for the way I feel and know I can learn in life also from harmony. I claim my right & power to love, to accept & respect myself fully in this situation AND at the same time, offer this to (state the person – if necessary add, as much as I can), even though we might go separate paths.
This way I free myself from repeating similar patterns with other people and trust my ability to connect in a healthy way.”
Stating it in my meditation practice, fully present and surrendering to my only way of resolving this for myself, a sense of relief and peace overcame me.
Depending the intensity of feelings and practice, this sense of relief takes a little time to come to you. Or you need to consider finding your own words, really mean them, fully grasping the depth of this. As this process can´t be forced, but only allowed.
I really felt that this week. Suddenly, I no longer had the need to change the situation. I was ok. They were ok.
And I could move on – lighter, more trusting & open than before.